My feet are killing me: Kylie Minogue sports a pair of Christian Louboutins. Photograph: Brian J Ritchie/Hotsauce/Rex Features
Shall we talk about shoes? Shall we? And then can we talk about handbags and stuff too? A few weeks ago, I mentioned idiotically high shoes and said they were over. I ever so slightly fibbed. There are still shoes for next season that will require mounting blocks and full medical insurance. There are two shoe trends that worry me – one is the "tapered wedge" (© Invisible Woman) and the other is the overlong toe. The "tapered wedge" is what I'm calling a shoe that, when you stand up in it, occupies about the same floor space as a postage stamp. If you're on sabbatical from Cirque du Soleil, you might even be able to walk in them. I can only recommend them if you invest in a pair of matching crutches – that way you'll be one step ahead (ahem).
Personally, I have never really got on with Louboutin – every pair I have ever tried have been excruciating and he will persist in designing idiotically high shoes for idiotically high prices. Although, to be fair to M Louboutin, I will admit to serially trying on his shoes just to see if my tiny hooves can be taught to tolerate them. I yearn for a red instep but I just don't have Louboutin feet. On my last visit to the shop I was almost seduced by a pair of foxy tartan jobbies had it not been for the price, and the height. So, in fact, I rest my case.
The second shoe trend – the overlong toe – is something you're likely to encounter in what initially seems to be a good idea: flat shoes or shoes with a kitten heel. I'm not a fan of kitten heels on the basis that they force you to walk like a duck and if the toes are overlong they trip you up at a ratio of approximately one trip to every three steps. They catch in, on, between or underneath almost anything. They are very nearly as much of a death trap as the tapered wedge and, frankly, my hips are fine just the way they are. I rather like the mid-height chunky heel, though, and not just because I already have a pair in my shoe stash from a couple of years ago. You know where you are with a chunky heel … safe.
Handbags, it seems, are much the same as they ever were and have evolved very little – except that this is where I could work in the metallic trend if I wished. I was a bit smitten with Burberry's leather bowling bag in "cowslip" and I'll be looking out for something similar with a smaller price tag. There's also the smart practicality of the "trapeze" shape, which seems an altogether sensible idea. Speaking of which, I had always thought clear Perspex bags were stupid until I saw a clever Charlotte Olympia one and they suddenly made sense. But I hate swapping bags – or I did until I started keeping stuff in little zipper bags, which makes switching that much easier and opens up all sorts of possibilities for chopping and changing.
And finally, there is good news on the makeup front, with minimal looks being much to the fore, which suits those of us with older skin very well indeed. Keep it looking as bare as you can – a tinted moisturiser is best. If you use powder then make sure you brush off the excess – a dusty face is not a good thing, ever. Cobalt blue is still The Colour but not, alas, a colour I am fond of wearing, and blue shadow is awfully hard to pull off without looking a bit Baby Jane. However, I would use it as a smudged line of blue beneath the eye in the same way Zandra Rhodes does. If you're looking for new lippy, I really liked the mixed-up pink and orange lip seen at MAC. It's a look I can easily adapt as long as I remember that less is more and will remain so for ever and ever now I'm past 50. Amen.
